


Anachronistic Cosmere High

by OncillaPhoenix



Category: Cosmere - Brandon Sanderson, Elantris - Brandon Sanderson, Mistborn - Brandon Sanderson, Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson, Warbreaker - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anachronistic, Comedy, Gen, One Shot, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:15:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22953187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OncillaPhoenix/pseuds/OncillaPhoenix
Summary: All the Cosmere characters are inexplicably at a school together. Predictably, shenanigans ensue.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	Anachronistic Cosmere High

_A large, dramatic stone school building stands proudly at the end of sidewalk, a fancy metal plaque affixed above the double doors declaring its name: ANACHRONISTIC COSMERE HIGH. Sixteen teachers are gathered on either side of the steps leading up to this door, chatting amongst themselves. Name tags affixed to their shirts announce their names to be the likes of HONOR, RUIN, and ENDOWMENT._

_A teenager, his hair snowy white despite his youth, strolls up the sidewalk, pulling some stringed instrument in a wheeled case. This is HOID. At the bottom of the stairs, he stops and looks around at the teachers._

HOID: Oh, so _Rayse_ gets to be a teacher and I’m stuck as a teenager?

_An inexplicably tall man wearing an iridescent cape, ADONALSIUM, taps HOID on the shoulder._

ADONALSIUM: It’s because you’re immature, Hoid.

HOID: Wh-- _Adonalsium?_ So you’re not dead, then?

ADONALSIUM (gesturing to the sign above the door): This place is called _Anachronistic_ for a reason.

_HOID snorts and moves on into the school building. ADONALSIUM stays behind. Soon another student prowls up, a bit taller than HOID, dressed all in dark colors with a massive sword strapped to his back. VASHER pauses next to ADONALSIUM, looking at his rainbow cloak curiously; a few more students are not far behind, including ADOLIN and SHALLAN._

VASHER: Nice cloak. Either you’re of the Tenth Heightening, or you’re Principal Adonalsium.

ADONALSIUM: Indeed, I am Adonalsium. I see you brought your own sword. You should join the dueling club, I think you’ll enjoy it.

VASHER: Even if my sword is a nightmarish devourer of souls?

ADONALSIUM: Just keep the sheath on, you’ll be fine.

VASHER: Riiiight.

ADOLIN: We have a _dueling club?!_ Where do I sign up?

* * *

_Cut to outside the school gates, where ELEND, VIN, and TENSOON step from a limousine. VIN is looking about nervously, and a glass dagger is occasionally visible through her mistcloak, while ELEND is reading some book as he walks._

_Nearby, SARENE and RAODEN step from their own limo. VIN glares at them suspiciously._

ELEND: Calm down, Vin, it’s just school, nobody’s going to assassinate me.

VIN: On the contrary, this would be the _perfect_ opportunity for someone to assassinate you.

_She whirls around as KALADIN, TEFT, and MOASH step onto the sidewalk, followed closely by DALINAR, ELHOKAR, and NAVANI. Overhearing her conversation, KALADIN glares at her._

KALADIN: Storm it, girl, it’s my job to _prevent_ assassinations.

NAVANI: Does anyone else find it disturbing that we’re all the same age?

* * *

_Cut back to ADONALSIUM, who is now being yelled at by KELSIER as DOCKSON stands a little ways back. DENTH is walking by, but pauses, staring at the scene with interest._

KELSIER: Seventy percent of the people here are dead! _We’re_ dead! Why couldn’t you bring _Mare_ back?

DENTH: Hey, yeah? What about Shashara?

ADONALSIUM (flustered): Kelsier, Denth, please, we have very strict admission standards. Anyone who’s not an important character can’t be allowed in—even Gavilar’s not here, and he actually showed up in a book! (Beat) And _no,_ a single flashback in _Secret History_ doesn’t count.

KELSIER: You need to revise your admission policy. (Turns and stalks off) Come on, Dox, let’s go plan some pranks on the principal.

DENTH: Count me in.

DOCKSON: Isn’t he a god or something?

KELSIER: We _overthrew_ a god, we can prank one any day.

_ADONALSIUM facepalms. LIFT slides up to him._

LIFT: ‘Scuse me, mister, is there a cafeteria here?

ADONALSIUM: Of course! Straight inside, fourth door on the left.

LIFT: Great. Come on, Voidbringer, let’s go steal some food!

ADONALSIUM: You don’t have to steal it! It’s open to students at any time of the day…

_LIFT is already sliding away._

* * *

_Cut to the auditorium. All the students and teachers are seated; ADONALSIUM stands on the stage._

ADONALSIUM: I would like to welcome you all to Anachronistic Cosmere High. I hope you enjoy your time here. I am very sorry that you’ve all been pressed into a bad high school AU fic, but there’s no way out of it now, so you might as well do your best to have fun.

ODIUM: This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.

ADONALSIUM: Be quiet, Rayse. So, while we are here, I might as well explain the rules.

_Adonalsium pulls out a sheet of paper._

Number one. Magic is not allowed on school grounds except when you have my permission, especially emotional Allomancy, any form of Lightweaving, and Soulcasting. The exception is forms of magic used for transportation.

Number two, attacking students in any way is prohibited. No punching, no biting, no stabbing, no shooting, no throwing coins at, no Lashing to the ceiling. Resultantly, these items are banned from school grounds: spears, knives, guns, clubs, Soulcasters, vials of metal, and any world’s money.

_There are audible “Aww”s from several people in the audience, including VIN, KELSIER, KALADIN, WAX, and DENTH._

SARENE: Money?

KHRISS: It makes sense in context.

ADONALSIUM: Swords, however, are allowed, as long as they remain sheathed. Number three, no pets allowed. However, magical sentient or highly intelligent sidekicks of all kinds are permitted, including Seons, spren, kandra, Aviar, and Nightblood. Vasher, I’ve sent you a note about some specific rules relating to that.

Now, if all the teachers will come up here?

_Nineteen people file onto the stage: the sixteen Shards, SAZED, NALE, and ROCK._

ADONALSIUM: I’d like to introduce to you our teachers. Over here is Numuhuku—ah, Rock, our school cook.

ROCK: Airsick lowlander.

MOASH: How come _he_ doesn’t have to be a teenager?

ADONALSIUM: Next is Mr. Tanavast Honor, who will be teaching Ethics and History with assistance from Talenel Stonesinew. Next to him, Mrs. Cultivation is our Art teacher. Ms. Devotion will teach Math; Mr. Dominion will teach Science. Mr. Rayse Odium is our gym teacher, and Mr. Ati Ruin will teach our Music classes with assistance from Hoid. 

RUIN: Sorry, but what does that have to do with my Intent? Can I teach Science instead? I want to dissect things, blow things up, and explain the concept of entropy!

ADONALSIUM: Okay, that’s probably better suited to your talents. So Ruin’s teaching science, Ambition’s teaching Music with Hoid, and Dominion’s teaching...Public Speaking and Computer Science? So Autonomy can teach First Aid and Realmatic Theory, or...no, that works. Ms. Edgli Endowment will teach Language and Mr. Leras Preservation will teach Botany and Ecology, because those sciences don’t involve destroying anything. And Nale is our hallway monitor.

HOID: Hold on, what about the other six? And Sazed?

ADONALSIUM: ...RAFO? Except Sazed; he’s teaching Social Studies.

JASNAH: So wait. You’re saying you don’t even know what some of your teachers are teaching? That seems like a poor way to run a school.

ODIUM: _Let’s overthrow him again._

KELSIER: I’ll help!

ADONALSIUM: Now, hold on now. There won’t be any overthrowing of anyone. I should have mentioned in the rules that violence against _teachers_ isn’t allowed either…

SHALLAN: But isn’t the _point_ of a revolution that you don’t want to listen to the rules?

NIGHTBLOOD: Ooh, are they _evil?_ Can we destroy them, Vasher?

VASHER: No! No destroying anyone!

_ODIUM, AUTONOMY, and a couple other teachers begin advancing on ADONALSIUM. SAZED facepalms; ROCK shrugs; KELSIER, DENTH, MILES, and a handful of others delightedly jump out of their seats and scramble onto the stage. NALE tries to stop these; KALADIN and VIN whip out their weapons to protect their charges as the audience descends into chaos._

_LIFT comes quietly in through the door of the auditorium, a large amount of food balanced on one arm and a bagel in the other hand. She takes a bite of the bagel, looks around, and taps SILENCE on the shoulder with the bagel._

LIFT: So, did I miss anything important?

_END._


End file.
